There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
