So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
