in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
