I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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