Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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