I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."