I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
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New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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