So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
