and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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