I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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