I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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