Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
