I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
