I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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