this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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