I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
