I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
