I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
