I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
