How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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