theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
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There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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