I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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