I should be sponsored by Trojan
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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