Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
