his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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