all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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