Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
