Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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