You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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