if only i could text you this smell
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
