I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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