3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
