why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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