I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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