smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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