Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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