Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
