did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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