Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I will be naked everywhere
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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