Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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