that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
