My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
