i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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