Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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