Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
