FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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