problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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