i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
