We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
