Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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