Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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