I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
