Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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