i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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