Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
