mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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