I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
only you would photoshop your dick
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
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